Monday, 18 July 2011

Better Life, Better me?

well, I've not posted on here much lately, what with being away and working my still quite sizeable arse off at my new job, I've just not had as much time on my hands! Seem to be getting into more of a routine now, which is good. I've even gone and got myself a boyfriend! Shocking, after 3 years of singledom!!! But a very lovely and welcome change :]
So things are looking up for me right?
Not exactly....
I decided, that with new boyfriend (J), with all the problems that I have, honesty is the best policy. So I told him everything....and, most surprisingly, he really was fine with it! Turns out, one of his closest friends was very ill with anorexia and he understands completely how complicated things can get, but he still wants to be with me! For some reason though, this doesn't seem to be enough for me. I think my head is still so fucked up with depression, anxiety and my eating issues that I'm creating problems for myself. He doesn't reply quickly enough to a text: he's gone off me. He talks about one of his girl friends: he likes her better than me and is only going out with me because he can't have her.
I can't stop my brain from working overtime with it all and I'm scared that what it all boils down to, is me being too ill to be with him. I keep running through telling him this in my head.
I'm also disappointed ith myself because of work. I'm supposed to be on a part-time contract, but last week, there was loads of overtime available, so I took it. The stress has caused me to slide back so far that today, I feel almost as bad as I did 4months ago.
I'm begining to realise that I'm not as better as I thought I was....and I worrying that I will ruin everything because of that.
On top of all that, I met J's friend who suffers with anorexia, and she talked to me about my problems and her experiences. Hearing how poorly she's been and how much she still goes through, made me feel somehow inferior. I don't know why!! She's lovely! But for some reason, after listening to her, I feel like a phony. I feel like I have no right to call myself bulimic; I'm just a fat, greedy, whiny, self-indulgent bitch.
I'm ruining my own life.