Losing my grip?

Now I feel so strange...

I had the strangest feeling today: I walked out of the house to go to the job centre and as soon as I got in to the car, this crazy feeling came over me. I hated everyone. People I knew and people I'd never met; there was no reason, no trigger, but suddenly I felt this implacable hatred. Walking through the precinct on my way to the job centre, I felt so much hatred for the people around me, I was almost physically sick.

I came to the realisation, that all the hurt and viloence that I had inflicted upon myself had been completely and utterly misdirected....I spend so much time worrying myself sick that I might be hurting someone, when they don't give a shit about if they're hurting me. I felt a dizzy sense of freedom as I turned this thought over, and over in my mind.

Eventually, the feeling did calm somewhat and I was able to function like a normal member of society. But it's still there, just not as demonstrative at this moment in time. I am wondering now, if anyone I can actually count as a friend is really a "friend". By my reckoning, people only make contact with you because they want something; as soon as they get it, or realise they won't get it, they disappear into the ether. Before, I was so desperate for people to like me, I gave them what they wanted, without ever thinking about what I wanted. I always wondered why bad things happened to me, and now I know it's because I LET THEM HAPPEN TO ME.

No more.