CBT = COCKING BOLLOCKING TWATTINESS

Had a darling phone conversation with my "therapist"…she asked me to pick which problem I wanted to tackle first: unhelpful thoughts or unhelpful behaviours. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I didn’t want to change either. Maybe the way I deal with things isn’t the way one is supposed to, but who’s fucking business is it anyway??? They’re MY emothions and they’re the way I deal with things. If something’s upsetting me or something has made me angry, don’t I have to right to feel how I want to feel? Don’t I have the right to get angry?

Say if you were refused a promotion for no good reason, wouldn’t you feel  worthless? Or, say, your relationship had broken down, wouldn’t you feel upset, angry or lonely? Probably all three! Except she wants me to change how I think about certain things that I have no influence on. Say I lost my job and I struggled to find a new one. I’d been trying really hard for a few months, applying for plenty of jobs and kept getting rejections. Would you think: “Oh well, clearly the person they selected over me had better experience, or better qualifications than me. They deserve the job, something will come along soon!” Or would you think: “What the fuck?? I’m working my arse off here, trying to find any fucking job that pays so I don’t get fucking evicted. Shit, I even apply for jobs I’m over fucking qualified for and they STILL don’t fucking want me?!? I’m completely fucking USELESS!!!” I’m no therapist, but I’m thinking you’d go with the latter.
..and so would I!!

So I explained to her how I felt. Believe it or not, I’ve been trying super hard with this cCBT, I’ve done everything that’s been asked of me and more, but it’s only serving to make me more angry and frustrated. So I told her the truth: I said that I was having trouble with the exercises, because how can thinking differently about something that you a) have no control over; and b) is an actual occurring event that is not down to my own interpretation, make the incident actually any better? It doesn’t for me, I rationalise things too much, so I know that if I do think about things differently, I’ll be aware that I’m doing it and it won’t be helpful. The bitch then had the temerity to say to me that I “just didn’t understand the exercise”. This made me really fucking angry. I DO FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DO, IT’S JUST NOT FUCKING HELPING ME!!!!! She doesn’t listen. Then she gets pissy with me and says I need to take a “long hard think about why I want to be here and what I want to get from this”. I felt like screaming at her. I fucking TOLD HER in my first fucking session that I was SENT there by my doctor.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN’T WANT ANY "THERAPY" IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE

Every time I get close to telling people my problems, they don’t listen. They figure out how they want to reply without listening to what you’re actually saying. Either that, or the just don’t want to believe you. It’s easier for people to believe that you are really the way you appear to be.

So after all that, I’m stessed to the max aand purging like a crazy bitch. Worst of all, I only have ONE bag of Slimatee left :(