In other news...

As some people might know, I've been put down to do this computerised CBT. Well:

The woman called me to do the assesment last tuesday and took down my email address so she could send me a password and login name for the site. I spelled out my email address, because, for some reason, people have trouble pelling my last name (honestly, it's SUPER common and not at all oddly spelled!!). She then said: "if for some reason you don't get th email by the end of the day, call me and I'll send it to you again". I'm like, what am I, your secretary?? Get it DONE! But, whatever..

End of the day: no email. So I call her wednesday, leave a very polite message for her saying the email hadn't come and could she send it again. Left my number and my email.

End of the day: no email. So I call thursday, AGAIN it goes straight to voicemail and I leave another, rather polite message.

End of the day: NO EMAIL!!! Bearing in mind, it's now Good Friday and no one will be in work anyways, I leave another voicemail, this time a little miffed.

I give her the benefit of the doubt and think, maybe she had loads to do, what with the bank holiday and all. So I check again this morning: STILL NO FUCKING EMAIL. So I leave ANOTHER message, this time, understandably pissed off, and ask her to send the goddamn password.

Just checked now (midnight): NO MOTHERFUCKING EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've got a telephone appointment with her thursday morning when I'm supposed to have done then first exercise. Well, she can kiss my arse!!!

Thank you NHS, thank you VERY fucking much

Losing my grip?

Now I feel so strange...

I had the strangest feeling today: I walked out of the house to go to the job centre and as soon as I got in to the car, this crazy feeling came over me. I hated everyone. People I knew and people I'd never met; there was no reason, no trigger, but suddenly I felt this implacable hatred. Walking through the precinct on my way to the job centre, I felt so much hatred for the people around me, I was almost physically sick.

I came to the realisation, that all the hurt and viloence that I had inflicted upon myself had been completely and utterly misdirected....I spend so much time worrying myself sick that I might be hurting someone, when they don't give a shit about if they're hurting me. I felt a dizzy sense of freedom as I turned this thought over, and over in my mind.

Eventually, the feeling did calm somewhat and I was able to function like a normal member of society. But it's still there, just not as demonstrative at this moment in time. I am wondering now, if anyone I can actually count as a friend is really a "friend". By my reckoning, people only make contact with you because they want something; as soon as they get it, or realise they won't get it, they disappear into the ether. Before, I was so desperate for people to like me, I gave them what they wanted, without ever thinking about what I wanted. I always wondered why bad things happened to me, and now I know it's because I LET THEM HAPPEN TO ME.

No more.

Brain Zaps

"Symptoms described as "brain zaps", "brain shocks," "brain shivers", "head shocks" or "cranial zings" are a withdrawal symptom experienced during discontinuation (or reduction of dose) of antidepressant drugs.The symptoms are widely variable in description and of unknown etiology; common descriptions include dizziness, electric shock-like sensations, sweating, nausea, insomnia, tremor, confusion, nightmares and vertigo"

So the above are symptoms of withdrawal from SSRIs or SSNRIs, which of course includes Venlafaxine, which I am currently taking. No big deal, I'll be on mine for a while. However, I forgot to take my dose yesterday...

So I'm in bed, feeling a little odd and trembly, when all of a sudden I get really dizzy and a crazy ringing in my ears. Before I can think: "What the hell?? I'm lying down!!", a frightening wave of electricity pulses through my body; starting in my brain, fuzzy electric waves shoot down through my arms and legs, right to my finger tips and toes and then back again like a sickening circuit. This continued for a few seconds, maybe longer, all the time, I could feel every second of this rapid circuit, like my blood vessels were filled with wires. Then it stops. All at once I'm feel with utter, white blind panic. My bed suddenly feels three times bigger than it was, I want to get my mum in her room, but it feels like it's several streets away. Then as soon as it started, the panic is gone; stops dead. I sit up and I'm calm, my head clears and lurking in the back of my mind is the term: "Brain Zaps". When I was first prescribed Venlafaxine, I did some research about it (naturally) and came across the term, but paid it little mind. I went back online and reread what I had found:

"Many patients stopping venlafaxine use experience SSRI discontinuation syndrome, i.e. withdrawal symptoms. This is especially noted if a patient misses a dose, but can also occur when reduction of dosage is gradual. The high risk of discontinuation syndrome symptoms may reflect venlafaxine's short half-life. Missing even a single dose can induce discontinuation effects in some patients"

Bugger. Talk about being stuck!!!

After a mini sabbatical....

I'm back....

Well, things have been up and down as per usual. They ended up doubling my dose of Venlafaxine last week. So far, mood wise, I just feel part manic, part agitated. I mean, I have a bit more animation about me, but it feels so superficial. I'm still so empty on the inside. Tomorrow I have an assessment over the phone, to see if this "Computerised Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" is suitable for my "needs". I hate that damn word. Plus, how the FUCK can you assess someone over the damn phone?? I mean, the whole idea of the cCBT seems like a joke to me, but that is really taking the piss. Nice to know the NHS cares.


Weight wise, I've been bingeing and purging quite a lot, so my weight has been up and down over the past couple of weeks. It seems to have settled down to 10stone 7lbs (147lbs) now; that's only 7lbs away from my first goal weight. Even though I'm still hugely overweight, I'm starting to finaly feel like I can do this. Every pound is one step closer. I'm not deluding myself that I'll be happier when I'm thin, I just will have it at the back of my mind that I've beat all those who said I never would be.

Soon, mum's taking two weeks off work. It's going to be so hard to continue with my restriction......A plan is needed, but my head's to crowded to think right now. I wish I could empty it. It's crazy, sometimes, my brain feels like it's reaching critical mass, and one more thought will cause it to implode, sellf destruct; but at the same time, it feels so hollow, like it weighs no more than air.

I need to work on my endings.

Karma Police

Okay, so I think maybe my purging is a little out of control...

In the past week, my family's "Operation: Let's Help Eff Feel Better", has meant: constant calls and pestering, being asked "what's the matter?" if my face doesn't happen to be smiling at that second and my mum being off work all week. Consequently, I've not been able to restrict in the way I usually do. In a normal week, I don't eat at all until my mum comes home from work, or I eat a little- just so I don't pass out at the gym. But her being here has meant that i can't do this; so I've resorted to purging. A LOT.

Part of the "Operation" also meant numerous social activities that I would even partake in were I feeling well. Cinema trips with my step mum, trips out "for a drive" with my mum and, unfortunately, a meal with my mum, brother and sister in law. I'd already been purging every evening meal all week and was really freaked out by the prospect of a formal meal on Friday. Friday came and I did well to eat very little, telling my mum I was "saving room for the food later"; as I was getting ready though, the thoughts of all the food, so delicious, full of my favourites and pretty huge portions (for me) began to circle around my head so fast that I had to hold on to something so I could get a grip. On an impulse decision, I brought out a bigger handbag, one of my big bottles of water and my toothbrush (I always gag myself with a toothbrush, my fingers just don't do it). So off I went, feeling like I was on an undercover mission. Sure enough, I got up to purge after every course. My family made a couple of jokes about my frequent toilet visits, but I blamed it on all the water I'd been drinking. I stood there, after every purge feeling part disgusted with myself and part exhilarated that I'd managed it.. Me and my bag of tricks had pulled off the ultimate dining heist, in that cold, poky little bathroom and no one was any the wiser.

Despite this success, I went on to do something very fucking stupid.

Not quite content that I'd managed to get everything up, in the ultimate twist of the wisdom "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" I decided that making myself a cup of laxative tea was the best "prevention" for me. To make doubly sure, I used two bags and left it for twice the time.

I woke up early Saturday morning, feeling like someone had handfuls of my insides held tight in their fists and they were pulling and twisting without relent. I spent the morning counting the mosaic tiles on the bathroom floor.

Not totally content with this stupidity, after mum and I had our nails done, she treated me to lunch. Which would have been fine, had my guts not felt like they were on fire. I thought if I ate all of my lunch, it would serve me right for being so fucking stupid the night before, I deserve to get fat after that. Partway through though, the panic started to rise at the back of my throat....I couldn't stop myself attempting to calculate every single calorie on my plate. No matter how much I tried to stop, the answer was always the same: FAT FAT FAT. The food not only upset my stomach (how long do the effects of that fucking tea lats?!?!?!?), but as soon as I got home, I purged again. Dumb bitch.

The rest of today I spent, bleary eyed and sea-sick. Standing up takes around half an hour, that is, if I don't want to sway and fall over. I haven't eaten anything else. I'm afraid of what I'll do.

This is what you get, when you mess with us.....