First binge in a long time...

This past week has been hell….

Been at my lowest since as long as I can remember- so low I finished writing my will and drafted a suicide note. Luckily (I guess), the thought of leaving my dog upset me so much, I knew I couldn’t go through with it right now. I’m such a horrible person that, after it was all over, there was a moment when I resented my dog. I still feel so incredibly guilty about that, I could never, given a million languages, find a way to express it. People might not understand it, if they don’t have a dog, but if it wasn’t for him, I would have left this earth 5 years ago.

Not content with my aborted self-destruction, I went on a two day liquid-only fast. I survived pretty much on black coffee and Coke Zero and I was feeling almost good…..controlled. Then I got news of not one, but THREE job rejections, my car tax renewal, my phone bill and the news that I’m being moved to a more intensive therapy….so today ended up as a crazy, uncontrollable binge- The first real one for about a year. I got through half a pack of chocolate digestives, half a carrot cake, a chocolate bunny, a large bag of pretzels, a pastrami and emmantal cheese sandwich, about 10 mini chicken strips, about a dozen mozzarella sticks, half a tub of ice cream, a leftover lemon chicken breast and a huge mountain of chips….all in about 2hours.
I feel fucking disgusting.

I did manage to purge a good deal of it, but it still feels like there’s a ton of food, rotting away inside me. I’m so angry with myself though, I want to focus on how horrible having a stomach full of food feels, so I don’t do it again (as if it were that easy!).   Worst of all, I’m down to only two laxatives, which I had to dig out of the bottom of my drawer and STILL haven’t bought more Slimatee, so my stomach is where it’s staying.

I feel like my head is unravelling