Slimatee

Well, it's be (officially) two months since I last had Slimatee, so I can now have it openly everyday for two weeks. After that, of course, I have to go back to having it covertly after I feel I've had too much and not been able to purge properly. Last time I took it continuously, it really boosted my weight loss so I'm looking forward to seeing the results. I've not weighed myself for a few days after a crazy amount of bingeing and being mentally too exhausted to exercise much. My mum goes back to work on thursday, so I'll weight myself, take my latest progress photos and go back to my hardcore restriction during the day. I am nervous about getting back on the scales, but my jeans are still falling off me, my collar bones are sticking out more and I can fit into clothes I haven't been able to for years.

It's small comfort though. Sure, I'm at my lowest weight for over three years, but I look and feel fatter than ever. I need those progress shots; I can't trust my own eyes.

Mentally, things have been going downhill; having angry outbursts, temper tantrums and sulking in one minute, then being high as a kite, rattling off astounding witticisms the next. Sometimes I feel like I am greater than the sum of my parts; others, I am an empty, hollow shell, devoid of emotion, pain and even organs. The beat of my heart is sometimes the only reminder that I'm not as hollow as a dried bone.

The other day I actually worte my will! It's not that I'm actively thinking of killing myself, it's stranger than that. I've more or less resigned myself to the fact that I will be the death of me. Even if it's not through a direct act of suicide, my depression and/or eating disorder will. I kid myself that because I take vitamin supplements, my body isn't lacking in anything; ignoring the fact that my heart is probably begging for mercy. I purposefully sabotage my depression treatment. I see how long I can go before the medication withdrawal symptoms become too much for me to stand and then I give in. It's pathetic. But at the same time, it's the only time that I truly feel alive. I trick my body and mind into reacting, just so I know it's still there and then I'm satisfied.

Other than that, the only satisfaction I truly get is from purging. It's becoming easier and easier every day. My body has stated to associate big meals with being sick, so even as I'm eating and getting full, I get a satisfying, queasy feeling, knowing that in less than 20 minutes, it'll be out of me. I'm still concerned about my teeth though, so the other day I had the idea that I could chew antacid tablets and then drink a little water to swirl them round my mouth to neutralise the acid. It's just an idea, if it doesn't work, whatever; if it does work, at least I'll know I'm good at something.

PATHETIC