Wrong road

Now I know I'm fucked up.

I've been purposefully not taking my medication and I don't really know why. I think a really horrible part of me hates the person I become when they start to work: empty, hollow. I'm smiling yes, but my smile feels painted on and my voice sounds like it's coming from a tape recorder. I know that it's dangerous to just stop cold turkey, but I'm trying to anyways; I wait until I can't stand the side effects anymore and then I take one, and repeat the process. Maybe I am starting to have more affect, but it really doesn't penetrate the surface. I can't FEEL anything. I've spent so long pretending in one way or another that I no longer know who the hell I am or what I actually do feel.

To make things worse, I found out there will be at least a 16week wait until I can see a new therapist. Mum wants me to go private, but I know that'll be yet another thing that she'll hold over my head. She owns me with debts that she never mentions, but infers with the way she spends her money. I'm quite proud with myself, actually; after getting really angry about the therapist appointment, my head went into a spin and all I could think was "binge....binge...binge..." I planned it out in my head: when mum left for work tomorrow it would start, I thought of all the places I'd go and all the things I would buy....and suddenly I stopped myself. I thought: "I'm 5lbs away from my first goal weight, I CAN'T fuck up now". And I felt calmer....I knew it was only the anger and limited food that was messing with my head. I love how I can see the cause and yet I refuse to act on the effect. I suppose it's not the best way to deal with bulimia, but so far, so good.

Come tomorrow, I'll see if it actually works...