"Eff" is for "Fuck- Up"

Well,  so much for keeping any kind of inner turmoil to myself- on saturday night my brain decided to have a rather spectacular, totally public and rather bizzarre mini breakdown sort of thing. A "crisis", they call it, tell me about it. I won't go into details, suffice to say, I doubt many of my friends will be calling me anymore seeing as I completely and utterly freak them out. I've got to give it to Venlafaxine, I know you get worsse before new drugs kick in, but that was really fucking impressive. Also, due to the very severe and public nature of my "crisis" (fuck, I hate that term), my mum now realises I'm a lot sicker than she thought and my dad has found out that I'm mental. My dad had no idea that I was diagnosed with depression- I wanted to keep it that way, I don't need his help and I never have. I will NEVER forgive my mum for telling him. For fuck's sake, they've not spoken for 6 years, couldn't they keep it up??

So now I've got my family on my back, 24hours a fucking day. "how do you FEEL?", "are you.....okay?". I want to be left the fuck alone. I don't want to come over like 26-year-old whiny teenager, but seriously, I'd feel a whole lot better if you just let me be. I don't want to talk and I don't want to discuss my feelings. Now mum's going mental wanting to get a private psychologist. If she wants to waste her money, she can be my guest; I won't be talking to anyone about anything. I've kept to myself for 8 years and it suits me just fine.

I suppose I should be greatful in a way, when things get really bad, I'll only end up alienating myself from my friends anyway, so better to get it out of the way rather than dragging out the process. I even looked at getting a council house, just so I could be alone. I've not looked at Facebook. I've switched off my phone.


See all this written above?? See all that?? That's what's in my head. THAT'S why I'm evil and selfish. I disgust myself. The only thing that makes feel good is throwing up. That's really fucking pathetic. If I can't control my head, I can still control my body.

I haven't weighed myself in days....I can't bear to see how disgusting I am written down in numerical format. The numbers are the only things that can't lie.